Expectations In Marriage

I heard someone say, “Expectations kill a marriage.” I agreed, but my husband disagreed. While I understand his viewpoint that a husband should expect his wife to be supportive, to be a good mother, to cook, clean, and so forth, I feel, one who’s never been married is basing their expectations of what a marriage should be on what others’ marriages have been. This is where I think many people become disappointed in their spouse. Other than expecting your spouse to fulfil the duties Allah has placed on them (like a husband providing for the family), should one have other expectations going into their marriage?

Should you expect your spouse to love you? Or only expect kindness and gentle words?

Should you expect some great friendship in the marriage? Or only expect they you can work together for the sake of the children and to keep the marriage going smoothly?

Should you expect to be appreciated and cherished? Or accept that you should do what you need to and not expect appreciation for it?

Should you expect romance and intimacy? Or accept that your spouse to may simply fulfil their duties in the bedroom without much emotion or closeness?

Should you hope for the great marriages some people speak of, or expect they will fufil their duties and just be pleasantly surprised if your spouse does more than that?

I personally believe having expectations only leads to disappointment. Then again, I’m told I have a cold heart so….. Lol. I have heard so many times of a brother who doesn’t show much emotion or doesn’t communicate well, etc. Other than for a husband to pay the bills and treat you kindly, is it wise to expect more? I would really love to hear different opinions about this. Maybe I can be persuaded to become a optimist. Lol.

Back To School

Alhamdulillah, school starts next friday for my 2 oldest kids insha Allah. I haven’t decided whether I wanna put my 2 yr old in yet. Maybe if I go to school. At least now, school is a 4 minute drive from my apartment instead of an hour. Big stress reducer. I’m trying to figure out how to fit nightly classes at the masjid into the schedule somehow insha Allah. With cooking, bathes, and everything else that happens at night, I don’t see how I can, but I’ve gotta try. Need an iman booster.
In other news, I’m doing ok after the surgery. I still have the urge to cry sometimes when I see a baby on tv or touch my belly out of forgetfulness, but alhamdulillah, I remind myself that what was meant to hit me, could’ve never passed me.
I’m getting so much more comfortable wearing niqab now. I’ve moved to a city with a much bigger muslim community, so it’s just an everyday thing for them to see a niqabi. So even when I went school shopping last week in a mall that usually makes me very anxious, I didn’t even really remember I had it on unless someone really stared in my face.

Qadr

It all started with cramping. I moved to my new apartment 2 weeks ago and started having cramping, but since my last 2 pregnancies have been rather painful, I didn’t find this strange. Then I got a terrible pain on my right side a few days later. I finally went to the hospital and after waiting hours to be seen, I found out I was having an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was in my fallopian tube. The doctor started to tell me it wasn’t my fault and that I could go on to have healthy pregnancies. A mixture of faith and shock kept me from truly crying. I kept telling myself it just wasn’t meant to be. I called to tell my husband the news and that I would need surgery in a few hours, since my tube had ruptured and needed to be removed. I hung up and felt a new found appreciation for my 3 children and how blessed I was to have them.
Then my mind went to the fear of the surgery and begging Allah to forgive me and to keep me safe during the surgery.
Finally my husband arrived at the hospital. I had the surgery done a little after 3:45 a.m. I lost my baby a little after 3:45 a.m. I was in so much pain after the surgery and still trying to get my house in order when I could finally move around that it didn’t hit me that I really wasn’t pregnant any longer until Tuesday. I cupped my belly and then realized there was no longer a baby in there. The sadness hit me all at once. I’m tearing up as I’m writng this. It’s such a strange thing. I was only about 7 weeks, yet I had a name picked out. I was already planning where the bassinet would go in my new bedroom months from now. But Allah is the best of Planners. I know everything happens by My Lord’s Will and that is my only true comfort. My pregnancy couldn’t have become anything other than what it was. Masha Allah.

Ramadan Day Twenty Five Ayat

Surah Az Zukhruf: 67- 73

Friends on that Day will be foes one to another except Al-Muttaqun.
(It will be said to the true believers of Islamic Monotheism): My worshippers! No fear shall be on you this Day, nor shall you grieve,
Who believed in Our Ayat and were Muslims.
Enter Paradise, you and your wives, in happiness.
Trays of gold and cups will be passed round them, therein all that the one’s inner-selves could desire, all that the eyes could delight in, and you will abide therein forever.
This is the Paradise which you have been made to inherit because of your deeds which you used to do.
Therein for you will be fruits in plenty, of which you will eat.

Ramadan Day Twenty Four Ayat

Surah Az Zumar: 53

Say: “O ‘Ibadi who have transgressed against themselves! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Surah Ghafir: 41- 42

“And O my people! How is it that I call you to salvation while you call me to the Fire!
“You invite me to disbelieve in Allah, and to join partners in worship with Him; of which I have no knowledge, and I invite you to the All-Mighty, the Oft-Forgiving!

Surah Fussilat: 19- 23

And (remember) the Day that the enemies of Allah will be gathered to the Fire, so they will be driven.
Till, when they reach it , their hearing and their eyes, and their skins will testify against them as to what they used to do.
And they will say to their skins, “Why do you testify against us?” They will say: “Allah has caused us to speak, as He causes all things to speak, and He created you the first time, and to Him you are made to return.”
And you have not been hiding against yourselves, lest your ears, and your eyes, and your skins testify against you, but you thought that Allah knew not much of what you were doing.
And that thought of yours which you thought about your Lord, has brought you to destruction, and you have become of those utterly lost!