Expectations In Marriage

I heard someone say, “Expectations kill a marriage.” I agreed, but my husband disagreed. While I understand his viewpoint that a husband should expect his wife to be supportive, to be a good mother, to cook, clean, and so forth, I feel, one who’s never been married is basing their expectations of what a marriage should be on what others’ marriages have been. This is where I think many people become disappointed in their spouse. Other than expecting your spouse to fulfil the duties Allah has placed on them (like a husband providing for the family), should one have other expectations going into their marriage?

Should you expect your spouse to love you? Or only expect kindness and gentle words?

Should you expect some great friendship in the marriage? Or only expect they you can work together for the sake of the children and to keep the marriage going smoothly?

Should you expect to be appreciated and cherished? Or accept that you should do what you need to and not expect appreciation for it?

Should you expect romance and intimacy? Or accept that your spouse to may simply fulfil their duties in the bedroom without much emotion or closeness?

Should you hope for the great marriages some people speak of, or expect they will fufil their duties and just be pleasantly surprised if your spouse does more than that?

I personally believe having expectations only leads to disappointment. Then again, I’m told I have a cold heart so….. Lol. I have heard so many times of a brother who doesn’t show much emotion or doesn’t communicate well, etc. Other than for a husband to pay the bills and treat you kindly, is it wise to expect more? I would really love to hear different opinions about this. Maybe I can be persuaded to become a optimist. Lol.

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6 thoughts on “Expectations In Marriage

  1. Expectations come naturally in mankind. However, I think as one of the obligations is to be kind to your spouse, that pretty much makes up for shortcomings that one’s spouse might have.

    I am sure if we follow the sunnah as a wife or as a husband, we will be pleasing our spouse in the first place. Having expectations beyond them is not wrong provided we do not impose it on the other person. It is important to understand that no person is perfect. Some people even fail to fulfil these sunnahs and duties that are prescribed. As long as there is love, care, affection and kindness amongst spouses in shaa Allah it can be managed I believe. Perhaps that’s why our Prophet (صلي الله عليه وسلم) says to look for piety in your spouse.

    This is merely my personal opinion. It may vary. I apologise if my words offend anyone unintentionally. 🙂

  2. I totally agree with you sis. I also think the expectations we form are based on what surrounds us in this society, the media, the entertaintment industry all paint pictures of how romantic a man should and we subconsciously start to want such things.

    Men too, and here I mean brothers unknowingly start looking for the size 8, perfect looking, perfect cook etc in a wife. The reality is Allah has created with differences and learning to live with that is what we should form our minds and hearts to do. Expectations leads to misery – I’ve seen it!.

    • When people fall start short of those expectations, they cease to be the “perfect” spouse in your eyes. I think we out people on a pedestal they don’t even know they’re on until you let them know they’ve fallen off of it.

  3. Erm I kind of agree,

    However my view is the the Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) was kind, gentle and romantic. As far as we know these are the trates which made him the best of men. After all he DID race with his wife, have sweet names for another and held a special place in his heart for one who died. Surely this is a man who LOVED our expectations of our husband should be taken from that man. I mean he did love his wives in away we should want our Husbands to I mean how is it we can fall in love with him make dua for a man similar ..yet some men seem to take this harsh abrpt boring side

    Alhamdulilah for this post sis

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