I heard someone say, “Expectations kill a marriage.” I agreed, but my husband disagreed. While I understand his viewpoint that a husband should expect his wife to be supportive, to be a good mother, to cook, clean, and so forth, I feel, one who’s never been married is basing their expectations of what a marriage should be on what others’ marriages have been. This is where I think many people become disappointed in their spouse. Other than expecting your spouse to fulfil the duties Allah has placed on them (like a husband providing for the family), should one have other expectations going into their marriage?
Should you expect your spouse to love you? Or only expect kindness and gentle words?
Should you expect some great friendship in the marriage? Or only expect they you can work together for the sake of the children and to keep the marriage going smoothly?
Should you expect to be appreciated and cherished? Or accept that you should do what you need to and not expect appreciation for it?
Should you expect romance and intimacy? Or accept that your spouse to may simply fulfil their duties in the bedroom without much emotion or closeness?
Should you hope for the great marriages some people speak of, or expect they will fufil their duties and just be pleasantly surprised if your spouse does more than that?
I personally believe having expectations only leads to disappointment. Then again, I’m told I have a cold heart so….. Lol. I have heard so many times of a brother who doesn’t show much emotion or doesn’t communicate well, etc. Other than for a husband to pay the bills and treat you kindly, is it wise to expect more? I would really love to hear different opinions about this. Maybe I can be persuaded to become a optimist. Lol.
I just got done reading ’20 pieces of advice to my sister before her marriage’. It is sooooooooooooooooo good. I heard this book was good, but didn’t buy it because I thought, “I’m married. What will it have for me in that book?” But after hearing a sister say it’s for wives period, I brought it. And alhamdulillah, I’m so glad I did.
I already see big changes in my marriage from implementing the advice in the book. Not that my marriage was some horror show, but there’s always room for improvement in every situation. One of the pieces of advice that affected me the most was about being more grateful to your husband and how Allah is displeased with a wife who’s ungrateful to her husband, in spite of how much she needs him. I, of course, say thank you for things he gives me and write surprise thank you notes here and there, but after reading this chapter I became so much more aware of all he really does. The apartment, the car, the food, the clothes, being a great father, basically giving me almost anything my little heart wants. So these thoughts lead to me having moments where I would just daze out thinking about all he does for the family and when I came to I would just blurt out, “I love you”. and I could see how surprised and happy he was and this is turn now has us saying I love you more often, and in turn being more affectionate and having those newlywed moments again, where you just look at each other and have that “wow, I got to marry him/her” moment.
Then there was a chapter on beautifying yourself, so I’ve been implementing this more in my day to day appearance, not just when I feel like it or on special events. The response has made me feel so much prettier and in turn makes me feel happier to do my hair and get dressed up everyday. Anyone with kids knows sometimes keeping yourself up and getting dolled up everyday can be tiring and hard to get done along with everything else that needs to be done in the house, but seeing that it makes him so happy, insha Allah I’ll find the time to continue to do this everyday.
Lots of other beneficial advice as well. Such as about not adding fuel to the fire when he’s upset, but instead submerging the fire with an ocean of love. And doing that which he likes, but not excessively to the point that he no longer likes it and avoiding what he doesn’t like. And making his home a place of relaxation and happiness and keeping things fresh in the marriage.
I’m so happy I brought this book and I encourage other women to get it as well. Or a man to get it for his daughter. Insha Allah you’ll benefit from it as well.