Black Heart

I was at a muslim youth conference today and one of the speakers spoke some about how your iman weakens when the sins you commit. How one black spot on your heart suddenly becomes just a black heart. I feel this has happened. As ashamed as I am to say it, I feel like I’m just sliding by in islam if that makes sense. I pray, read every now and then, cover, teach my children islam when I’m not too grumpy. I don’t do more than I feel is required and it bothers me and in turn makes me feel like a lousy muslim, which makes me sad and not feel like doing anything all over again. I know it’s shaytan and my own lazy self, but I feel I’m in a rut I just can’t break out of. A cycle of laziness and…. I don’t know. My husband keeps saying I’m depressed, but I personally believe happiness is a state of mind. There are days when I have this state of mind and make dhikr and pray my sunnahs and read Qur’an and get on the right track and then I slowly become so busy being a mom and wife and getting wrapped up in tv, that those habits fade once again. I want to change and better myself, but the first step feels like I’m all at once trying to jump on top of a mountain from the bottom. I keep looking at the top of this huge mountain and feeling discouraged and ashamed. Anyway, excuse my ramblings. Adios.

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2 thoughts on “Black Heart

  1. Assalamu alaikum sis, may Allaah make His obedience easy for you. I hope inshaa Allaah that you get out of this “cycle of laziness” as you say, although if your husband thinks you have depression perhaps you should seek help as this could help, not only in breaking out of this cycle but also becoming a better Muslimah by the permission of Allaah. Also, in regards to TV there is very little on it that can provide good for the Muslim man or woman, the Shuyookh have warned against its fitnah and even the Islamic channels are not so Islamic anymore. I haven’t watches TV since Allaah guided me and Alhamdulillaah it has been one of the best things to keep my mind focused. I did however used to play puzzle games on my phone which used to take up my time, but I left it for the sake of Allaah (not because its haraam but because I didn’t like the feeling of wasting my time on something that wasn’t beneficial) and Alhamdulillah now I have so much barakah in my time. I get time to study arabic when before cooking/cleaning would take up most of my time. Anyway, I hope Allaah makes things easy for you, especially with the month of Ramadhaan coming. Oh and another piece of advice that one of the Salaf said in regards to getting more barakah in time:

    “Every time I increased upon my (daily) portion of Qur’aan, my time would increase in barakah (blessing). I kept on increasing up until my daily portion reached ten ajzaa` (a third of the Qur’aan)!”

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