I was at a muslim youth conference today and one of the speakers spoke some about how your iman weakens when the sins you commit. How one black spot on your heart suddenly becomes just a black heart. I feel this has happened. As ashamed as I am to say it, I feel like I’m just sliding by in islam if that makes sense. I pray, read every now and then, cover, teach my children islam when I’m not too grumpy. I don’t do more than I feel is required and it bothers me and in turn makes me feel like a lousy muslim, which makes me sad and not feel like doing anything all over again. I know it’s shaytan and my own lazy self, but I feel I’m in a rut I just can’t break out of. A cycle of laziness and…. I don’t know. My husband keeps saying I’m depressed, but I personally believe happiness is a state of mind. There are days when I have this state of mind and make dhikr and pray my sunnahs and read Qur’an and get on the right track and then I slowly become so busy being a mom and wife and getting wrapped up in tv, that those habits fade once again. I want to change and better myself, but the first step feels like I’m all at once trying to jump on top of a mountain from the bottom. I keep looking at the top of this huge mountain and feeling discouraged and ashamed. Anyway, excuse my ramblings. Adios.