Confessions

I have a confession. I haven’t been wearing my niqab the past few days. Once again, letting shaytan get inside my head and whisper his foolishness to me. First it was going to the doctor and letting shaytan convince me there would be no men there, so what’s the sense in wearing it. As if I knew who would be in the office. Stupid. Then to shop-rite and walmart for groceries and household items. My husband had a dinner with his co-workers, so I had to go with the kids by myself. Shaytan whispered, “It’s late. What if someone attacks you when you’re going back to your car with the kids? No one would even help you because you’re wearing niqab, etc.” So I allowed myself to be deceived and didn’t wear it into the stores. Once inside, of course I got less stares than when I wear niqab and shaytan was right there to remind me how much easier this was. how much more comfortable I felt walking through the store. Because I follow the opinion that niqab is recommended and not obligatory, I often find myself thinking, “I don’t have to wear it anyway.” I hate when this thought comes. Then I went to toys r’ us, same thoughts but I just felt so ashamed not to be wearing it. I felt like I was putting pleasing Allah to the side, and for what? To be accepted by people who really could care less about me? People who cannot do a thing for me on the Day of Judgment.

When I first started wearing niqab, I was sooo confident. No one could tell me anything. I don’t know where this lack of confidence and lack of strength has come from. It bothers me so much. Why do I keep fearing what these people will think of me, what they will possible do, when I know (or at least should know) my Lord protects me and it is His Pleasure I should be seeking. No one elses. Niqab is a part of me. I love my niqab, so why am I leaving it at home so casually these days. I won’t anymore. I would much rather be stared at, than feel like I’m not putting my trust in Allah. Than feel like I’m giving up pleasing Allah to please His creation. I have to remind myself Paradise is surrounded by hardships, while Hell- Fire is surrounded by things that seemed pleasing and easy. So back off shaytan… my niqab is getting worn insha Allah! Lol

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10 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Assalamu Aleikum,
    I just wanted to start off with saying that you are a huge inspiration to me. I’m also a revert, and so at times its hard to deal with things at home but whenever I come to our blog I always feel at ease, Alhamdulilah. Your so strong to wear niqab and I pray that one day I will be like you! (I’m only 13 and my parents do not allow me to wear hijab).

    About your post, we all have high and lows of faith. The most important thing to do is read Quran, pray, and make dua’a. Niqab is so much more beautiful than anything else you could ever wear. I have to confess, every time I see a Niqabi (3 times and counting!!! even before I became Muslim lol) I start to hyperventilate and almost ask for an autograph. So, never give it up. Your so right; its Allah SWT’s pleasure you should be seeking, not people’s.
    ~Ruhina

    • Wa alaykum salaam. Thank you for your kind words.. Insha Allah you can dress how you please soon. I hope I can be as strong as you think I am. I looked at niqabis the same way when I first became muslim. To me, although I couldn’t see their faces, they were the most beautiful. Lol

  2. As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu!
    May Allah guide you to that which is better for your soul. Ameen.
    I can identify with how you feel. I began wearing niqab as soon as I embraced Islaam 6 years ago, maa shaa’allah. After getting out of a 4 yr physically abusive marriage, I felt like I didn’t need to wear niqab anymore. I had to “breath”.
    Truth is, I should’ve kept that niqab right on my face! In that year of not wearing niqab, i began to change. I began dressing differently. Garments were getting more ‘jazzy’, feet were showing in the spring and summer. Lowering my gaze became more diffucult because now the men could see my face so of course they were ‘tryna holla’.
    I began wearing niqab again in August, I think… Well, I didn’t realize how much I missed it! Lol. Now, I’m trying to convince my husband why I need 50 black niqabs! Gotta replace the ones I gave away when I thought I was a ‘Retired Niqabi’.

    • Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu, Ameen, ameen. Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s left niqab for a lil while. When you wear it again, you really realize why you started thnking niqab as special in the first place.

  3. Salam alaikum. I can relate. I used to be very strong in my niqab and hijab, even when I lived in a town where I was literally the only Muslim. I didn’t care what people thought of me. I would wear abayas with khimars, pashminas, square hijabs, whatever I felt like. I would wear multi-layer niqabs, half niqabs, whatever. I didn’t are what people thought of me. Now that I’m living in Chicago though? It’s so hard. I feel like the Muslim community that I’m part of judges me for switching styles so much, so I tend to stick with one style now even though I miss my khimars and overhead abayas and everything else. I also feel judged by both the Muslims and te non-Muslims for wearing niqab. I stayed strong for a while, but last spring a woman actually screamed when she saw me. I wasn’t even wearing black!! It was a white niqab an pink hijab. Ever since then, I have had such a hard time. I still wear niqab several times a week but I also find myself going out without it a lot too astaghfirallah. I hope tht someday I can be strong again inshallah.

  4. Assalamualaikum sister, like much of the comments, I have to say you have been inspirational to me as well. I’m revert and wear my hijab in great difficulty. It is not as difficult as wearing niqab but there are many who try to take it away from me. Please do not feel ashamed or guilty for your actions, we all slip and fall. What matters is that we get back up. Do not let Shaiythan take you off wearing niqab altogether. It is difficult because it is your jihad and in-sha-allah there will be much reward for you in the here after. I pray Allah grants you strength and conviction. I pray He re-instils your confidence and protects you from the evil whispers of Shaiythan, Ameen!

    • Wa alaykum salaam. Thanx sis, I needed a pick me up. I often have to remind myself that after struggles, come the rewards insha Allah. I hope wearing hijab isn’t made a struggle for you in the future. Unfortunately, people would rather see you reveal all of yourself, than have modesty. What a time we live in.

  5. Assalamu Alaikum, sister 🙂 Wearing the niqab can be challenging. I’ve had similar experiences. I’m still afraid of going to the city centre wearing my niqab (unless my husband is with me!) 🙂

    • Wa alaykum salaam. I can relate. I definitely feel safer wearing it when my husband is with me. Like he’s my bodyguard in case anyone acts foolishly. Lol.

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